I am so bad at relationship

Yeah, I always knew it… I was, I am, and I… hmmm

At least tonight, and the 18 years I been living, I think that I’m bad at this field… I am bad at a lot of field

Actually, I pull that one back, I am good at some things, in fact I am good at SO MANY things… objectively speaking

But there will be always, like, always, something that people in my social group just naturally good at that I am bad at. Like, student of my major naturally good at gaming, both mobile and desktop gaming, me? I am good at neither of those

As a Balinese, I am bad at being Balinese, there’s just so many things about Bali that I simply don’t know about. Mostly because there’s no good way to learn it, but still, I am bad at it

Remember this post from couple days ago?

Yeah, this post is some sort of elaboration to that post. My feeling just become somekind of roller coaster, sometime I feel so great, sometime I feel terrible for the exact same thing

Last Thursday, so, October 24th, I chatted with E and E mention about relationship, I just playing with my wording a bit, by a bit I mean a lot, and, somehow I ended up indirectly proposing her

I’m not sure whether she realise it or not, but reading the chat history back, knowing my feeling to her, I feel like I unknowingly just …

Oh yeah, she didn’t give any affirmation nor confirmation, acknowledgment etc… which left me hanging, don’t know what to do

So there’s this event called Upanayama in Saturday, I asked her if she know a place to buy something, she didn’t know, so I look around my kos and found the place to buy the thing. I bought two, maybe, just maybe, she also need it

She also asked to borrow something from me. Then Saturday came, she told me she had found the thing, so she doesn’t need mine, she also already made the earlier thing, so doesn’t need mine… She is a fighter, I admire that, but sometimes I just wish she asked for my help, or accept my help a bit

Those happened during the morning, then at around 11PM I have to sneak out of the ceremony to go to Bangli for #Ganas55, I asked her to tell me if something important happened while I was away… while I, and several of my high school friends were away

Then, the concert happened (Ganas, my high school anniversary), evening came, just got to night, I checked my WhatsApp and saw she made a WA Story… a story, a picture of her, and a guy…

They look so happy, her smile is so kawai 😅, the thing is, it just ripped my heart… for some reason

Sunday, early morning, she chatted me first (I just realise she have in fact once begin a conversation, why I feel so happy 😆)… but, I was so busy then, SHE should also was so busy then, that I need to tell her to focus to our task that day instead of the task for the day after (The topic she brought up)

It was a short conversation, but now I think about it, the fact that she begin the conversation really feel nice. AND, the fact that I ended that particular conversation so badly, is… BAD

Yesterday, I feel so gabut in the evening, I know there’s something I forgot, and it made me uncomfortable… that’s why I was gabut, retrospectively judging

So I contacted some of my friends, the latest people that I chatted with in WA, “I am gabut, tell me something interesting”… for two reason, one… to alleviate my gabutness, yeah, that’s a word I just made up

And two, she haven’t contacted me entire day, and I want to talk to her… yeah, I need to find a good reason to talk to her, since my relationship with her, in my perspective, is just friend, I believe

Here’s two funny things… E tell me something that she was doing that made her busy vaguely. That, reminded me of what maybe made me feel uncomfortable this evening, something that I forgot… I haven’t pray, yesterday was my born day (In Balinese tradition)… that… is… really… interesting

Oh yeah, some other my friend gave some interesting topic, but one of them made my make a joke about PKM, scientific journal, which was funny tbh 🥴

Implementasi Hari Kelahiran Bali Otonan Melalui Internet dengan Metode Natab Online (Implementation of Balinese Born Day Otonan Via Internet with Online Praying Method)

After I finished praying, blablabla, she VC-ed me! I never got VC-ed by a girl before…. without any clear reason whatsoever, I got excited and nervous, I accepted, then after some rumbling around, without any clear topic, the VC end… so sad, because I can’t find a good topic… but it felt nice

Here’s the kicker, I chatted my friend, I curhat to him for couple hours… explaining why I like E, why I fell for E, how I fell for E, about my low self esteem, and then… my main topic, I don’t think I and E are a good match

Remember the five stage of love I made up at Curiosity and Love? I definitely at the forth stage, but will I step up to the next stage, or not… idk

Earlier today I learned that there are some other guy that like E… I also learned my friends opinion on E, and… I also learned that some of my friends know that I like her… yesterday was also like this…

Adding new character, let’s call him D… because he is kinda a dick, but he is not mean… I felt like, he know that I like her, and he think E like me, so he shipped me and E… or was it just me being over confident?

But, right after he shipped us, being kinda a wingman…. he and E took a pic, and she made a story with that pic… I never been in her story… I feel… beaten?

It’s not like she never took pic with me, she did, but she never post it to story or anything… me and my friend talked about it, one of my theory is “She didn’t send to story, but rather to her close friend; Just like what I did, I took pic of her and send it to my friend”

This evening, I tried to avoid E (Remember, I don’t think I and E are a great combination), I try to find reason not to like her, look for other girl

And there I found her, another girl… a girl, that actually also one of the first that I like at first sight at university… thou there’s something about her that made me also avoid her

Like, wtf, why I always fell for weirdos…

Analysing, experimenting to a girl that I like… may not be a good thing…

Also, I still not sure whether I like her because I love her (Which I doubt because I talk a lot bad stuff about her) or just… curious because of her uniqueness

And that’s it… a story that feel like I ripped out of romance comedy novel

Huft… I planned to sleep earlier today, but ended up sleeping late as always… also, after this long article, I still hope that E would begin a conversation with me… wth, made up ur mind Har! is it somekind of cognitive dissonance or what…


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