Curiosity… and love

I’ve been suffering the latest couple of days, not in the bad ways… well, it is kinda in the bad ways, but this suffer happen because of positive feeling

I am actually currently writing another post titled Graced by death, and a paper about 360 Photobooth… but I just can’t write them, this feeling kinda kept me hostage

Not my laziness, but… this… weird… feeling

I’ve chatted to Galih yesterday about it, I said it was ‘curiosity’ but he said “there’s no such thing as curiosity”, I genuinely hope he was just joking

I live my life out of curiosity

Hari Anugrah 2019

(Whoa, that is actually quite a good quote) 😳

Have u watched an anime called Violet Evergarden, I did watch the couple first episode, but the premise, “Looking for the meaning of love” really threw me off from watching it… I mean, it’s so silly, just look at KBBI or Dictionary, you can find the definition there!

No kidding, I genuinely thought that.. not just that one specific anime, but a lot of other anime too, and movie, and any form of media for that matter… it’s just so silly talking about what love is… I genuinely thought it was a silly topic, premise, story line….

And here I am…

Lost in the sea of feeling. Lost in the sea of word. Can’t quite pinpoint my feeling. Can’t quite decide how I should move on…

Now, I felt so silly to myself.. the anime was aired Winter 2018, around two years ago, the premise was so silly that I drop it off. And now…..

Haven’t I ever feel this kind of feeling prior to 2018?! wait… I probably haven’t 🙃
Holy shit…

Operation Forced Blue was mid 2018… and I remember that was the very first time I feel similar sensation as of right now

THAT… IS… wtf

I just … want to watch Violet Evergarden now 😅

I will be honest, I’m not quite sure should I write this story in my blog… usually I don’t really care and just post my thought here anyway, but there’s a problem

You see… there’s a class I, and SHE have called ASM (Social Media Application)… we’re in the same class

So there’s a real possibility that I might publicise this in the class. And people do look up to me because I have quite a lot of experience doing programming (And somehow that might bleed to blogging as well), so they might learn from this blog… and… she learn language in high school, so she might understood this blog… and… and…

For context, if you don’t know… I write a lot of my post in English so people that are close to me don’t understand them… That’s also the rationale why I record my YouTube video in English. Because my family are listening.

But she might understood this post…

So acknowledging the possibility is a bad idea right? Since this section of the post basically confirming (maybe) her hypothesis and…and…

But… to that I may say… may I say… how about… if I did that on purpose…

Other than that… I need to somehow relieve… alleviate… this feeling off my chest

Dang it… it sounds so silly, if the past me read this blog he would feel so weird indeed

Let’s get to the title, finally. Curiosity… and Love…

Curiosity is my main driving horse all these years, I learn, I breath, I talk, I do stuff… because of curiosity… but… is that it?

As a male human, it’s just natural for me to fell in love and stuff… and stuff… 😅 😍 ❤️

Is it… somekind of variation of… five stage of grief?!… it’s weird that I write this post in the middle of writing Graced by Death, an article about dying in the first place… and now I just trying so hard to use my “smartness” for rationalising my “feeling”

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance…. it’s indeed so weird of how similar these two post might become considering the two topic in question are opposite to each other

Let’s make our own variation… might be hard since I haven’t passed all the stages yet, but let’s try infer the information

Hmmm… five stages of… love?

First, Notice

Off to a weird start… I tried so hard to make myself got notice in the sea of people in the Line group of Maba 2019… then… one day, someone notice that hardwork, the first one who notice and acknowledge that work of mine was… Jaya.

Then couple days, or weeks passed, Dies Natalis started, as MABA we tasked to support our continent in several competition (Notice that I am an FT student after all)

In one of them, futsal (Indoor football, or soccer for my American friends), the very first day, the very first time I went to the competition location, I just parked my motorcycle, walked casually, and then this girl started talking to me…

“You’re Hari Anugrah, right?” she said
“Yeah…”
“Hey, I am …”

She are the one who started the conversation, and by the way she acknowledge and know my name as Hari Anugrah, she definitely know me because I was active on the group

And that my friend, was love at first sight… or maybe not

But I can’t overstate how great I felt then… there’s someone who actually notice and acknowledge my hardwork after all 😭… really, my eyes got teary writing that sentence for some reason

I will tell you what my plan was… first get my name be known by people in that group, make friends, and maybe find a girl… and… it somehow… worked? or is it..?! idk

I am so weak, acknowledgement is indeed a big deal, just like Project Acknowledge… I need more people to know and appreciate my hardwork,,, if only I actually work hard, unlike right now that I just procrastinating and write this post instead

Second, Coincidence

Again, coincidence play a big role here somehow… if I only met that girl once, then and there once, there will be no next stages… but there is

There’re over 4000 people in that MABA group (I think UNUD’s 2019 was over 7000 if I’m not mistaken), FT (the Dies Natalis event was at Faculty level) is about 600 people (I think FT 2019 is over 700), and TI (My major) is over 150

IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT I GOT TO BE IN A CLASS WITH HER considering the odd

Not gonna lie, the odd is big that I will be in the same class with her EVENTUALLY, but.. will the feeling still the same then?

It was just… incredible

Third, Curiosity

At the first glance, looking at people at their shallowest level, people are basically the same. We are the same species (Hopefully 🥴), the same university, the same basic life story structure

Born, elementary, high school, college, married, kids, died

But… once you just get one step deeper into their life, people are just so different, they’re just so unique, they’re just so… weird

As a weirdo myself, I can confirm that…

I got to the same class with her, the first couple of weeks I genuinely didn’t realise her existence 😅… ironic

Then I took one step back, and observe my classmates a little bit more, and there she is… just sitting there with a really thin air of existence

That… is maybe the trigger, I got interested with her… see, I realize that I have this weird tendency to like someone, who are… a bit … ‘weird’

Operation Forced Blue for example, I think I like someone who are… a bit ‘not really there’ like, she is in the class, but she was really not stand out, at least to my perspective… maybe it’s like that in this case

Then I started getting closer to her, trying to befriend her… here is a bit something I might shouldn’t say… saying this basically saying who this girl in question is… so… I will say it vaguely

What do you do when you want to befriend someone, introduce yourself? yeah… then? shake their hands? yeah… then? they push you? wait what

Yeah, that is not what happened, it’s kinda like that, but the approach was different…. the outcome however, yeah, she pushed me, like, she rejected me… as a friend…

wtf

That was the first time that one actually rejected me like that, I can hear my heart kinda cracked a bit then… I didn’t expect such a rejection… as a friend 😅

Then she tell me that she don’t feel comfortable … (dang, it’s so hard to say it but not actually saying it, frick it, I will just say it) being touch… like the heck, how do you expect me to believe that

You can tell that I was impacted by that short experience so much that I still remember that story to tell in this post…

Basically I dig deeper, and deeper, I do research and stuff… and stuff… and stuff

It’s kinda like my ex-GF, I got interested to her circumstances, doing research about her and her circumstances… and stuff… and stuff

Forth, Denial

I will put this one here… just because

If you read this post, you might realize that I tried so hard to brush this feeling just as a regular ‘curiosity’ of a scientist (Yeah, I just called myself a scientist)… or at least I feel like that’s what happened

As I stated above, I chatted to Galih about this… I said it just my regular curiosity (Because I have such a big curiosity), then he implied that I lied…

I might be in a denial stage… like… I tried… to find what not so ‘waifuable’ (🙃) about her to use as excuse for why I don’t get myself closer to her

I found a lot reason to keep my distance… then, I chatted with her. I got so exited to go to campus and see her… I got so excited to talk with her

Then the denial come… I tried to limit my chat with her, I sat next to her but I don’t talk too much with her, I can’t stand to talk with her…

like wtf me

Fifth, Love?

No idea what to put in here… it’s so meta

Oh my god, it felt so nice to write down my feeling, I remember why I started doing this blog as a therapy, and the “Talk to myself” stuff (Basically recording myself talking about certain topic using my phone)

I might write some more post; one is because I already have some post in the pipelines right now; second is to hide this particular post (If you want to hide a tree, hide it inside a forest); third is, gabut di kos; fifth is… idk

So that is… around 1800 words… and I still try to hide some stuff, and can’t convey what I want to convey some stuff

It felt so nice, just wait until someone read this post

What do you guys think about this post? This is a post that I use to understand how one of my novel’s character feel

Who am I kidding, see you later, future me~


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