Loneliness and feeling lonely

I feel so lonely today

Don’t get me wrong, I love loneliness, like I love being alone. I love spending time with me and myself, in fact I always did every day, I talk to myself every night, the biggest contributor to why I always sleep later

It feel really nice to talk to someone who is as smart and as stupid as you are. And who are the better candidate than you yourself

Majorprep have once said, that the final task (Whatever it’s called, I forgot) of a university is the best and the scariest moment in a student’s life. Scary because… well, you tell me… the best because you will talk to your professor to something that both of you understand about. Your tesis that YOU made, and the professor who have to learn about it too

Tesis huh

But… as you may know from this post a couple days ago, I went to another city, quite far away from home since 11th of August… From what I learned from Galih, yes I ask him tips trick and lesson that he learned from kost… The first couple of days is the worst, you scared, you feel lonely etc

And yeah, I agreed even when I asked that question a couple months ago, before I even think about kost

Knowing that, and also some other circumstances… I didn’t spend the first couple of days at kost alone, I spent it with Dika Nugraha, a friend of mine. The first 5 days, from 11th of August through 15 of August

Also, the business that I had back then, I just simply don’t have time to feel lonely and depressed

So yeah, I avoid feeling lonely the first couple of days. Then Dika went to his own kost at 15th at Denpasar, so I was alone ever since. But my business was still alot back then, for Student Day Engineering Faculty until August 18th… still no time to feel lonely

Then on 19th, I literally got nothing to do, so instead of feeling loneliness, I just went home, where I wrote this post

I went back to kost yesterday evening, or rather night, August 23th because today Engineering Faculty have a schedule to clean our faculty for an event called PIMNAS… I kinda feel betrayed honestly, and kinda unfair… but…. TEKNIK

Then, we finish early afternoon. Actually in the afternoon I got schedule with two of my friend (Wahyu and MJ) for BKFT. Surveying cost for cloth, bamboo etc. But for some reason, we didn’t… Wahyu said that he have socialization, MJ doesn’t say anything, and I just feel so tired (Probably because I didn’t have enough sleep yesterday)

Basically, I got nothing to occupy my mind with… And then, those lonely feeling slowly creeping to me

Actually, I already know how lonely I can feel…

Around August 3rd, at home, a day after I bought Minecraft Java. I play the game with my sister, multiplayer… I ask her to play with me, because playing Minecraft alone is not fun

Why I bought Minecraft? Well, anticipation for feeling lonely obviously, I prepare myself just in case I feel lonely in kost. My thinking line was something like: “If I ever feel lonely at kost, I will just play Minecraft”

But when I play with my sister, the first couple of hours was not boring (Fun? Debateable), but definitely interesting. Then, the time say it was 11PM already, and my sister goes to sleep. I was working with my first ever farm at the time, a sugar cane farm. And let me tell you, as soon as my sister log off, I just suddenly feel lonely, like, really suddenly

It’s a hard feeling to describe, I definitely wasn’t alone, I mean I was at my house with my family then. But, I just feel, lonely… not alone, just lonely… hard to describe

I thought I can occupy my mind with Minecraft, but no, without someone to show off my build to (My sister and youtube, and friend), I just feel, pointless… It didn’t even last 15 minutes Minecraft

I was feeling lonely… around August 3rd

And today Afternoon, I definitely really feel lonely… I just doesn’t have anything to occupy my mind with, I don’t feel motivated to work on my project*, I don’t feel like watching Youtube… I just, feel weirdly lonely.

*It’s kinda ironic, most of my time at home I spent working on my project, alone at my room. Now I got every second in the world for myself (Not really), I don’t feel working on my project.

That is why, on the evening when Graveyard (A chat group) said they want to watch Weathering with you now rather than in a couple days, I just excited… not feeling lonely anymore

So yeah, I went to Lippo Mall, a bit struggle going there (It was a really weird road layout, and GMaps was drunk), watched it together with Depung, Arya Wiguna and Galih (Missing Ryndika)

I don’t know was it just because I was emotional to start with (Feeling lonely since Afternoon) or what, but I feel like this is a really good movie, my third best movie ever (Number one is Silent Voice, number two is No Game No Life: Zero). Wait for my review tomorrow, or later. But this is a really GREAT movie! Recommended, 9/10

But this post is not about the movie review, this is about my loneliness feeling… I just look up “loneliness” in my blog and saw I already talk about this topic in the past

That post was published on February, and lemme tell you… it was quite an accurate prediction from me in the past… it’s quite nice to see myself in the past understand how I feel now

We took some picture together (All of them were terrible, but here is one)

Watching Weathering with You

I, Depung and Galih ate together (Arya went back earlier)… then go back to our own kost, or home, or whatever

Funny thing, so I went to Lippo wearing a mask, but because I arrive kinda late (Drunk GMaps), I pack my jacket, mask and glove in a rush. Then after I arrive at kost, I realize my mask is not inside my motorcycle where it suppose to be. I already feel sad, because my mother gave that mask for me, yeah, I definitely was emotional. I sad for a couple minutes, I make hypothesis it definitely fall when I take my jacket, so I left my mask at Lippo… then I saw this, a miracle happen

My mask definitely fall, but fortunately, it fell and stuck to my motorcycle… gladly, it wasn’t causing me any trouble while biking (I didn’t notice it until I arrive at kost)

Oh yeah, back to feeling lonely… After I arrive at my kost, found my mask, changed my cloth, I just want to cry… in fact I already want to cry from Lippo, and it was because the mix of a good movie that is Tenki no Ko and my current personal circumstances

The last time I want to cry, was not that long time ago either, it had something to do with university as well… please note that I want to cry, I didn’t actually cry… I want too tho…

I think it was when I have to go home from Jimbaran really late at night, and lost… my butt feel hurt, etc… it was around last month

Oh yeah… one more, really recent, on August 14th, I actually really want to write the story about it, but the gist of it is, I fail at MTF (Project Dwianjana), my bike’s tire was leaking, I was at Denpasar late at night, the day after I got Student Day University Day 2… I really want to cry out loud… like, really, I think my eyes was watery… but I hold my cool up…

My IG story… yeah, I definitely want to cry

I should sleep soon, it’s past midnight and tomorrow I have to go from Jimbaran to Renon like at 5AM for some reason that I am not clear about… a weird information… but I do really need to sleep soon

Good bye, have a nice rest, you should rest too Hari, thank you~

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