(Not really) Losing

The only one post that I have ever pin in this blog is Everything is gonna be alright

That related to my “social anxiety” thingy

Disclaimer, no, I’m not saying that I have social anxiety syndrome or anything like that. But heck, I sure have something similar to that in some occasion

Today my STT have an agenda to do. Usually, if this agenda is something related to administrative, I will attend

It’s kinda a bit more complicated if the agenda is working

If the agenda is working, more often than not, I will not attend. Mostly because I can’t remember their names

I sure can work, I am a hard worker. I can learn doing things really fast

But, there’s this one obstacle that I can’t overcome, usually. I’m not good at working with something related to Balinese craft

Well, easy, I just need to learn them. Right? Well, where should I learn it from? Internet? No, there’s no tutorial about this (At least helpful ones) kinda thing

So I left out with just one option, learning from others. The thing is, I don’t really have that great of relation with them (Mostly because my personality), they’re nice, it’s just me hard to start and maintain conversation

So yeah, therefore usually I will just skip this working agenda

But today, there’s something different, my sister also should attend with me

It gave me a lot of stress like, you know, being a brother I should show her example and stuff

And after a lot of hesitation, I decided to just go

That Everything is gonna be alright post also really help me

Then I go, I did help there for a while. Except, most of my close friends that I usually talk with in this kind of event, are not attending. Mang Tri is sick, most of my close friends didn’t attend

So, there I was, with people that I know, that know me, they know my name but I don’t know their names

It’s just awkward

The final blow is, the leadership is not great, or more like, the work distribution is not good

I know I should do something, I did something earlier, but now I just don’t know what to do

In ideal world of mine, the leader should assign every person with some kind of work to do, so there’s no one left wondering what should they do

Sure, I know I should take initiative and take work myself

But no, I don’t know what work is allowed for me to do. Like, can I do this? It’s actually more of my fear of doing something wrong

I have tried to overcome it a lot of times in the past, I succeeded most of the times. But today, in this kind of event, there’s this invisible weight on my shoulders that keep telling me if I messed up, I would be ashame

The combination of having nothing to do here (While there’s a lot to do at home), and no friend to talk with, lead me to just go

Initially I just want some fresh air, then I want to look for a friend, then I go, then there’s rain

(Not really) Coincidentally, Galih’s kost is nearby, so I just go there, and spent 3 hours talking nonsense

Actually I want to go back, but I wrongly think Galih’s fan noise is the rain

When I realized that, it’s been too long, so I just committed to just get away with this

Why I win? I overcome my social anxiety and got there

Why I lose? I went before finish

Why this is good? At least there’s some progress

So yeah, a kind of post that would make me look bad, but I think this kinda of thing is the one that people need~


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