Mourning Afternoon

I actually want to write this two days ago, at March 15th at the day this event took time

But well, I was busy because of school exam, but I still manage to met my daily quote of post. In fact, lemme write one for today, this one would be long, lemme write a simpler one…

I’ve written about Lost in Your Eyes, Did I just caused a video to be downed, and Magic of Love when actually I want to write Mourning Afternoon

Today probably is a good day, but the time, damn 11:49 PM… probably not, I need to study for tomorrow’s exams, English and Art

Hmm.. you know what? I am studying English right now, and I am really not sure what to study for the art subject, so….

Hari Anugrah! Keep yourself together man! Stop avoiding the topic

About a week ago, I wrote Mourning Morning tl;dr Galih’s dad passed away on 9th of March

A few minutes after finished writing and uploading that post, I commented this on that very same post

The date is different, but in actuality it’s just a few minutes passed, because I write it just after midnight. Like this post, I write it on 17th but probably won’t finished until after midnight

The comment basically, me predicting the future. Thinking the worst case scenario basically

I felt so guilty about it, because of the Depressed Arc of mine a year ago. I feel like, if I thought the worst case scenario, that probably the outcome

Which, I personally can say is insane. But I can’t help to wonder, what if I am the reason that she passed away?

Okay, this is bad. My Overthinking just come back, it’s like junior high again. Please no, I suffer because of this. I just moved on from this since I entered senior high, not again

Huft,

I write that comment on 11th, and you know what else happen on 11th… and 12th?

First, two UNBK Simulation for each day. Second, I accompany Galih so he have friend to talk with, or at least someone on his side when he is sad

On 11th evening, my friend group went to watch Captain Marvel on theater. I got plenty reasons to not go (Mainly, I don’t want to get involved in any accident, because school exam you know, paranoid me)

But I still go anyway, why? Because Galih. When my friend group, Gebuh try to cheer him up, I should be there too, don’t I?

I promised to write about this experience, but I still haven’t, hmmm….

And btw, I am sad right now, where are you huh?

Why is that relevant? Because I initially wanted to visit Niang Koh at that time. That time slot probably is the best one at the time. I was tired, yeah. But I don’t really have to study for 12th March’s exam simulation, which was math btw, but it was just a simulation anyway

So yeah, I missed my best and (probably) only chance to visit her

I really felt guilty about it, even now…

On 12th of March, I prepare for March 13th exam; on March 13th I prepare for the next day’s exam, and so on until two days ago (Oh no, it’s three days now, past midnight)

Now I think about it, I probably would have time to visit her. When I got home from the exam (Let’s say 1PM), I just fell asleep at my bed, because I wake up earlier that day, at 3.30AM. Then woke up around 6PM and study (Don’t forget writing to this blog and procrastinating)

Sleep around 12.30AM, then wake up the next’s day at 3.30AM, rinse and repeat

If only I don’t sleep, or rather took a nap, I would have time to visit her. Thinking about it just made me feel more guilt

Be easy on yourself Hari!

This blog starting to become more of a self medication/psychiatric session, than an actual blog for some reason

On March 15th, I woke up at around 3.30 AM and (not immediately) open RuangGuru and start studying Physics. Also, I open a summary written by my friend of the History subject

Then, I heard a motorcycle…. weird I thought, no one in my family would go out around this time (Around 4.30 AM). It’s usually me, going out for my morning exercise… but it was obviously not me

I was listening to some sort of custom White Noise with Relaxio app with my phone at the time. So I figured, probably I was just hallucinating, or my brain pick something from this white noise and recognized it as a familiar motorcycle sound

Then I unplugged my Rock Zircon earphone from my ears, and nope, still there. Definitely my father’s motorcycle sounds. That is weird

A couple minute went by, someone open my house door’s (Which I swear I lock the night before), then I heard a familiar voice. Eaps, it’s my father

I still on my bed, studying with my phone, listening to white noise, my room’s light is off, so my dad probably didn’t know I was awake at that time, and every morning to study (He always complain that I’m not studying, he just unaware of it)

But well, I didn’t gave it much thought. My father do weird stuff, I also do weird stuff (No one else I know listen to white noise), so it probably just another weirdness that we usually do

So I continued studying, under my warm blanket, white noise, smartphone, learning app, and earphone

Then it’s morning, I went to school, did the exam, went back home

When I got at home, maybe a few minutes later, my mom said something to me

Initially it just some random, standard question 101, “How’s the exam?”, I smile and laugh, didn’t remember about what, but I was probably joking with my mom

While I was still smiling, my mom dropped the bomb, “Did you know Niang Koh passed away?”. That’s the fastest change of emotion that I ever remembered

It came from smiling to jaw drop (Idk the term) in less than a second. If only I recorded that face of mine, it probably would looks funny

Turns out, someone, a neighbor leader (It’s a Balinese stuff, can’t really translate), came to our house earlier that morning (Probably at 2 or 3AM) informing to my father that Niang Koh just passed away

It’s a Balinese tradition called Medelokan (Translate to ‘visiting’ or ‘looking’) where people visit if someone from our community just passed away. That is what my father did that morning

I feel so regretful, that I never visit Niang Koh at hospital… I really am, tears starts to come out if I let my guard down, like, right now

She is, someone important to me, especially for my childhood… can’t really explain why though, but I respected her…

This experience, along with Galih’s father passed away, brought back my old worry feeling… related to my beloved grandparent, an old anxiety during my junior high

Why can’t I just feel free, I literally just months away from moving away from home (College). Can’t really leave home with this feeling ya know

… Btw, this is 1 AM already… but wuker, let’s talk about why I insisted writing it today, or yesterday… or in this wake session

I mentioned on my last post that I spent most of my Morning and Afternoon wasting my time yesterday… but not in the Evening

Around 5 PM yesterday, my mother asked me to go to one of our close relative’s house, a wit (Hindu’s stuff, basically far family) of mine, to do prayer (For odalan? Well, there’s a mecaru there, not sure)

Basically, in the middle of this event, around 7 PM, something crazy happen

Most of us, including me, my mom, and my sister, most of that house’s family member were still in the Merajan (The center of temple, where people do the actual prayer) when we heard a sudden loud scream from outside

It was, let’s say X (Don’t know her actual name :’v), a woman, probably in her late 50. I talked to her earlier, I definitely felt strange feeling when talking to her, but I thought it was probably just because she is a stranger to me (Which is weird, she suppose to be a far family)

You know what, I will say that weird feeling that I felt… when I walking behind her, seeing her from her back, she looks like a teenager (Pony tail and stuff), but her face definitely is older than that (No offense)

It feels really weird writing and thinking about this, good thing I don’t remember her name

Back to the story, it was weird, all of us was like … “what?”, it’s weird especially we’re currently in the middle of the ceremony

What’s weirder is, that scream, I initially thought it was a laughter, a strange laughter that is, a strange and creepy laughter

I was really confused, I tried to come out with theory, “Maybe a neighbor? A guest? An animal?”

Then, Jik Par (Owner of that house, a close relative) said “Oh” then wake up and proceed to walk outside, I thought he know what is happening

From Jik Par’s position, he can see the yard, he is like 2 meters behind me. But it’s really dark. Others also followed him soon

I still in the Merajan, just as confused as I was before. That scream I interpret as laughter earlier, now I interpret it as a cry, it’s really weird to say the least

I then followed to go outside and see the situation for myself. When walking, I heard words in her scream, something along the line of “They must’ve forgotten me”

That… is my friend, super scary

I then watch the situation unleashed, my sister and Sintya (Also a close relative) already there. When I asked them what’s happening, Sintya say something about a ritual/ceremony that I never heard before

Basically (Not really sure though, we just discuss it for few seconds), when someone passed away, we should give them offer, some kind of food or something, idk, each day up to a point (That I don’t know)

They forgot it, which is understandable btw. They got a ceremony that day

Please be aware, that everything here is just my interpretation

Someone, probably Niang Koh possesed X. Crying, according to what I heard, she probably cried because she thought she was forgotten

Now you know why I insisted writing this post today

After few minutes, idk what really happen. But X got sober? Then said something like “Oh ya, I suppose to get some meat” then get a meat, and put it at Bale Dangin

Jik Par with his family already looking for food/offer around the house (I really can’t translate this to a different culture) and also put it at Bale Dangin

Bale Dangin for you who don’t know (Which probably most of you), in traditional Balinese architecutre, is a place to temporarily put a deceased body for ritual

Yeah…

So yeah, I wonder around, my mother angry at me because I am standing up and walking all over the place. I excuse myself and get back to Merajan

The ceremony continued on, half of us are outside, while others, including me continued the ceremony

Mecaru, which is part of the ceremony btw, is a ritual for Bhuta Kalla. Basically spirits of the environment, not wondering spirit, but spirit that protect the environment, the plant and stuff

So yeah, it’s 1.49 AM, I should probably push back the 3.30 AM alarm a bit

This is a weird-scary experience. Watching Ryan Higa’s video earlier that day doesn’t help at all

All around, this is quite a nice experience. I learned a lot of new stuff. But I definitely scared right now, my livingroom’s light is off and dark, my door is open slightly… ahhsdiuhd

And,

For my beloved Niang Koh, rest in peace~


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