I am desperate, help me

I feel desperate

Like, I want to cry… no, I am not currently crying… yet

Well, I already cried once today, this way too early morning more like past midnight time because of i-want-to-eat-your-pancreas

Maybe that’s one of the reason

But, looking at content that I publish today, 5 (6 including this) on this Blog alone, 1 in Koding, and a full novel to my Wattpad, with a lot like… tons of tons already planned

My Google Tasks alone have more than 10 things in my Work todo list, damn

But yeah, I really feel emotionally unstable right now

I want to rest, but I feel like… If I rest, I will fail

// Stop my eyes! Don’t cry!!!!

Sorry about that

I am really desperate, I have this big dream, and I already spent, literary months discussing with my father… and some with my mother (I need to discuss my future with my mother more)

huft, it started November 25th last year… I feel full of anxiety, what if I fail, what if my father was right

So for context, my father ‘force’ me to join PKN STAN (Which have a really good future prospect, since STAN is owned by the government and used to produce future gov’s staff especially in finance)

But, simply put… I am, well WAS thought (yeah, bad grammar, I want to emphasize it) not really interested there, I mean heck… I didn’t know anything about STAN 2 months prior to that event

I want to become a ceo, start my own tech company, therefor I need friends in tech area, and the *FASTEST way to achieve it is …

By going to a school/college full of tech people, right…

Therefor I always wanted to go to tech institute like ITB, but my dream to go there always again and again crushed by reality… Ahmad Zaky (Bukalapak’s CEO) went to ITB

Then one day in December, I discussed about Binus where William Tanuwijaya (Tokopedia’s CEO) went… then Putu Diah told me Arya Nugraha (Different Arya than whom I talked a lot in this blog) already ACCEPTED there… wijhbndhsjxckbnkdshjw twf wtf

Then I go to Nugraha’s class, and confront him… lots of asking and discussion, with Komang (or Kadek, they’re twin okay), he went to Jakarta, then got info Binus will have registration and test in Denpasar in August, he went there, and got accepted

To be fair for him, he did share some info about some kind of College Fair in my junior’s chat group… but I didn’t notice it, or didn’t care (Probably because lack of info), or the chat got buried too deep so I simply   didn’t read it

AHwhiewqu,,, I got a TALK TO ME of it, should I put it here? Hmm,

Well, I after a lot, lemme reiterate, A LOT of digging (Binus’s website is really shitty, it’s hard to find info there) I found something

Idk how to go to Jakarta and test for Binus, I mean Nugraha got accepted, there’s no way I don’t right?!!! I always worked hard in this tech area, I really don’t want to get beaten because of not up to date for information (Which the info is not shared properly in the first place, he only know that because he went to Jakarta, which my family is not… hmm, good at traveling?)

Hopefully I got chance to test and got accepted, even though Idk will I go there for my univ or not… because too expensive, Jakarta is capital city, *and Denpasar is a suitable city for me

And, idk, I am not even sure… do I want, I mean, do I really need to go to a… or learn Computer Science major?!!? or Business Management or what?!@!!$

Seriously, I am fucked…

Too much thing going on inside my head right now

I want to watch anime for all day long,

It remind me, back in Junior high, I watched way too much anime, maybe the reason was somewhat similiar to me right now… because of… desperation?! uncertainty?!

Ahsahd, I want to watch Sora Yori mo Tooi Basho… my dream (For context, watch video from 2018 was rough)

Ahh, I do feel somewhat better writing this, but not entirely better… I still feel cold on my skin, not because I am sick (Well, I am sick) but because of this psychological stress

Please god, please straight my way toward my ultimate dream, or at least, dream for now

I already work for it, need to work harder but I don’t want to burned out, again like last year (And Joma)

I am not the type who hope for the best and do nothing, I am the type who work for it and pray for it… but the think is, I have this tendency to burn myself down. Which obviously I try to avoid

I need to make my own company, as fast as possible because these year is the golden era of startup, who knows when it will stopped… and 100 years independence of Indonesia, and 1000 Startup Program and a lot* (As far as I saw in job offering website)

A footnote of footnore, wtf…
This another problem… I have, like not sure about this… I saw a lot of job offering for tech staff (In website like https://www.jobstreet.co.id)… but my parent think internet’s job offering is not that believable, which I have to agree with…

And also, Sangkak (My grandpa from Mom’s side) told me, one of my cousin is a tech major, but she didn’t work in tech industry but instead as a teacher in kindergarten. My brother stagnant in his college. Everything ‘feel’ against me. This makes me hard to decide to go with Computer Science major, which I will talk about in … you know what, I will write a new blog post for it

Denpasar is a big city, I mean the whole world know Bali right? And Denpasar is the capital city of Bali. And Bali is a place where people from around the world come together in one place… and generally speaking, people in Indonesia is not that good (Because they’re interested in other sector) in tech. So I got big potential here in Bali, and little competition. Which is good, but also bad (Just looks, why competition is good, and you would know why)


Oh yeah, don’t get me wrong, that November’s event that start this frustation, I glad I went there, because I got plenty (But not a lot) time to think about this, instead of thinking about it later

That event kickstart me to put, for the first time, 100% of my attention to it…

I already think about my future and college since junior high, in senior also… but retroactively, I really think, subconsciously, I tried to avoid thinking about that stuff… because it stressed me a lot

But that event, force me to bring my father (Well, one of parent actually), and my parent force me to go there… and thinking the good and bad, and trying using my argumentation, debate, discussion, and research skill… I put a lot of effort to convince my father to ‘free’ me

Which, while doing that, I use one my power as a writer, “Looking from other perspective”, in this case, I tried using an AI self-teaching algorithm like thought process

Basically, I tried to go against my self, tried to debate against my self… so I see the whole picture (But it took time for me to see the whole picture, I mean I did the discussion mostly early December, but I see more of the picture yesterday, and today, maybe more tomorrow)

So, that process still heavily influenced by my initial opinion… which makes me not objective

fuck it

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *